QUESTIONS OF A THOUSAND TEARS

Surviving suicide. A father’s road to recovery.
In Stores Now!
ABOUT THE BOOK

In 1997, Paul Narad’s 17-year-old son Matthew jumped off a bridge committing suicide thus becoming another statistic in the horrific surge of suicides committed by young adults.  

 

Through his journal writing and poetry Paul wrestles, from a father’s perspective, with the intense emotional questions surrounding suicide. When he finally surfaced from the deep anguish and depressive despair, Paul gained the strength to share his insightful story, bringing us through the initial stages of shock and denial culminating in recovery and acceptance.

 

Questions of a Thousand Tears follows Paul’s attempts to deal with his overwhelming grief, adjust to the daily realities of his loss, make sense of the tragedy of suicide, and begin the task of rebuilding his life. Paul offers hope and healing as he explores the day-to-day challenges of maintaining relationships, parenting his daughter, and the universal emotions and issues facing suicide survivors. 

 

Questions of a Thousand Tears traces Paul’s compelling transformation and is essential reading for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, and for those who desire to understand the experience of a suicide survivor. 

 
 
 
REVIEWS

A Path of Life

Dark Ocean

Web of Lies

REVIEWS

FRANK PIGNATELLI, PhD.

Author of Practicing Freedom,

Graduate Faculty, Bank Street College of Education, retired

REVIEWS

Questions of a Thousand Tears is a riveting personal account of recovery and renewal. Navigating through waves of profound pain, Paul Narad, a grief-stricken father, succeeds in telling a compelling, heartfelt story. Writing to a son he will never see again with naked candor, fearless lucidity and unconditional love, he undertakes an anguishing, noble quest to make sense of his son’s decision to commit suicide—and to sustain his own fragile wellbeing. With his generosity of spirit and compassion for those he loves, for himself and for his place in the world as a healer, Narad finds hope, connection and joy, and in the process reclaims himself.” 

FRANK PIGNATELLI, PhD.

Author of Practicing Freedom,

Graduate Faculty, Bank Street College of Education, retired

Questions of a Thousand Tears is incredibly intimate. At times I almost felt voyeuristic. Paul held nothing back. It was wrenching, poetic and brave. I am filled by his strength.”

EDWARD KAGAN
Clinical Social Worker, retired 

Peer Coordinator for Court Appointed Special Advocates

“I was simply blown away. I literally couldn’t put it down. What beautiful prose and powerful imagery. I have never felt this moved by a book or any work of art. I was so touched by Paul’s work and story.”

BRYAN COSTA

High School Guidance Counselor

 
EXCERPTS
from Questions of A thousand tears

Driving home, saturated with pain, I came face to face with insanity. The totality of your suicide abruptly surfaced and seared my conscious mind. I rapidly forced it back, stuffing it into that zone deep within, the hiding place of all secrets, not to be revealed, even to myself.  But what would happen if that thought returned over and over and over again and I embraced it, allowing that pain to reside in my conscious mind forever? What would happen if the thought was so painful that I could no longer endure it, but couldn’t escape it either? And what would happen if the pain and thoughts became so unbearable that my mind retreated to a place of no return where it must exit or explode, leaving only two options, drastic and permanent insanity or suicide? 

 

 

 

For the first time was an interesting phrase that I was to use quite frequently. It meant for the first time since you died, with the total understanding that this was the first time in the new universe. Everything I did after your suicide was new. Every thought, word, and action was born of that seed, no matter how many times it had been done before. Even time itself had changed its meaning; there was only now and escape. Few knew the way out and none knew the rules as we fumbled through each day. Your suicide was the end and the beginning of my life.

 

 

 

 

The reason anniversaries and transitional events were so hard was because they accentuated the reality that you were gone and became the catalyst that brought about my most intense emotional reactions. There was no chance for denial. It slapped me in the face, squeezed my heart and stopped my breathing, as a flash of reality swept over my consciousness, exploding to the surface, clearly highlighting the fact that you committed suicide. It buckled my knees and actually knocked me to the ground. There it bellowed, “This really happened to him. You can’t deny it or run from it today.”

 

 

 

 

While I no longer woke up and immediately thought, Matt is dead, my days were based on that fact. It was as much a part of me as my vision or sense of smell. Neither your life nor memories of you were my focal point, only your death. All thoughts, feelings and actions were done because you were dead, not on a conscious level but as a result of the fact. My whole life revolved around your death; that was the epicenter. Everything I did was in some way connected, and I wondered if that bond would ever be broken. 

 

 

 

 

NIGHT THOUGHTS

The fire raged out of control

Immediately 

And for days

Causing massive destruction in its path

With a seemingly unknowable question WHY

Floating above it.

 

Ragged thoughts

Wandering the barren desert

Like a nomad

Searching for rest

Finding only waste and destruction.

OTHER BOOKS BY PAUL NARAD
Nick of Thyme

Nick of Thyme is a look at the life of an inadvertent hero, who happens to be at the right place at the right time. Nick, a fledgling coin collector, must find a way to over­come numerous obstacles in order to reach his goal.

Nick-of-Thyme-Cover.png
 
Not For Boys Only

Vanessa, a ten-year-old athlete who believes she
can do anything a boy can, decides to join the Little League. Her goal: making it to the highest level in one year, proving that baseball is Not for Boys Only.

Not-For-Boys-Only-Cover.png
 
 
PLAYS BY PAUL NARAD

Is That You, Myron?

Is That You, Myron? is a comedic and touching character study, based on a true incident, which explores an elderly widow and her relationships with the people she holds dear, encapsulated in a brief encounter with a would-be burglar.

 

The Path to Miller’s Pond

The Path to Miller’s Pond is a children’s musical based on a true incident that occurred in England where a road, built through a section of woods, and damaging the habitat of the frog population, was vociferously opposed by the local environmental society which eventually solved the problem with an imaginative solution. This story depicts the struggle between the forces of progress, and those people determined to protect the frogs in progresses path. 

 

The Tree that Stands Alone

The Tree That Stands Alone was awarded a grant from the New York State Council on the Arts. The primary theme is sharing; depicting both its struggles and rewards. The message is delivered through the lives of Sebastian and Bartholomew, a squirrel and a bird, who are living parallel lives on opposite ends of a great forest. The audience is drawn in as they discover that both animals have two very serious problems: they don’t know how to share, and because of this have no friends. Sebastian and Bartholomew also have a similar quest—to find the mythical tree that stands alone. Both characters travel through the forest encountering numerous animals who help them along their journey toward the tree. When they reach the tree, they must decide whether or not to apply the lessons they had been taught along the way.

 
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